Forum: >>> Magnum BBS <<<

Today's Deep Thought by Jack Handey

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Nov 3 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain
scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the
part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Dec 23 00:00:01 2020

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a
lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still
be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Dec 24 00:00:01 2020

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the
word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two
separate words--"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean?
It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Dec 25 00:00:01 2020

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-
appointed psychiatrist is our "friend."
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Dec 26 00:00:01 2020

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy,
and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both
have a beard.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Dec 27 00:00:01 2020

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by,
and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap
because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's
your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Dec 28 00:00:00 2020

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little
trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's
house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the
door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a
note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot
better, and no harm done.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Dec 29 00:00:01 2020

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was
going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead
drove him to an old, burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said,
"Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think
that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I
started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
getting pretty late.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Dec 30 00:00:24 2020

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy,
and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both
have a beard.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Dec 31 00:00:00 2020

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I
guess was why several of us died from tuberculosis.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jan 1 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot
and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in
his car and keep driving.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jan 2 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet
bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes
are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do
this, but my God, we've got to try something.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jan 3 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto
someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off,
I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jan 4 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in
every culture, is the story of Popeye.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jan 5 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could
fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the
preening.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jan 6 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I
think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take
them back to my home planet.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jan 7 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is,
while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey,
better try the emergency brake.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jan 8 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing
stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the
meteor--through some kind of space warp or something. "Go,
Bob, go," yelled one of the generals. "Give me that," said
the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen,
Bob," he said. "You've got to steer that meteor away from
Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea.
Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of
the meteor.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jan 9 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at
some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins.
Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and
while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Bob Roberts@316:36/39 to Digital Distortion BBS on Sat Jan 9 12:44:53 2021

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at
some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins.
Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and
while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

This is a good one. I've always enjoyed these dumb "Deep Thoughts" from SNL.

Bob Roberts
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Linux
* Origin: Halls of Valhalla -:- hovalbbs.com:2333 (316:36/39)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jan 10 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly
appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence.
But I think it was just a lucky swing.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jan 11 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's
say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your
partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes
out for the moon pieces, wham , you just slam the door
behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio
and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again,
bat man."
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jan 12 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know
sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jan 13 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy
gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes
shooting out, riding on water skis. How do they do that?
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jan 14 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave,
embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a
flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used
for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the
surrender.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jan 15 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest
thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel
right off. You see, we _build_ to that.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jan 16 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they
live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a
new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are
thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jan 17 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a
skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a
skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and
really scare you.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jan 18 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should
be considered an enemy planet.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jan 19 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick
the other leg up high behind you to keep people from
following too close.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jan 20 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think one way police departments could make some money
would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people,
for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jan 21 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to
laugh at that man.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jan 22 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one
would you think like dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy,
wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jan 23 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain
scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the
part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
--- SBBSecho 3.11-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jan 24 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a
big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa
Whoa " and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall
in.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jan 25 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me,
you.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jan 26 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented
the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned
the wheel.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jan 27 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to
everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a
wonderful world that would be.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jan 28 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and
bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because
I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jan 29 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a
lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still
be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jan 30 12:46:41 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jan 31 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed
to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems"
from burglars.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Feb 1 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a
circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at
me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Feb 2 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good
thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and
laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It
might just fit in with what somebody just said. And even if
it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Feb 3 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The memories of my family outings are still a source of
strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car--I
forget what kind it was--and drive and drive. I'm not sure
where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think
we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Feb 4 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real.
And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and
everything in between, plus some things I can't remember,
all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Feb 5 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy
river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Feb 6 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that
big of a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're
probably not going to find a swan that looks that much
better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Feb 7 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I was being executed by lethal injection, I'd clean up my
cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say,
"Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.'" They'd
probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Feb 8 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our
civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were
just kidding, that this isn't our real civilization, but a
gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come
back in twenty years to see our real civilization. After
that, we start a crash program of coming up with a new
civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as
they're waving good-bye.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Feb 9 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best.
We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and
because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out
he was a bear.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Feb 10 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
You know what would make a good story? Something about a
clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.
Also, he has severe diarrhea.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Feb 11 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a
king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are
some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Feb 12 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but
we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street
carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner
bags?
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Feb 13 19:05:35 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me
quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my
own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was
only later that I discovered they were not Indians after all,
but dirty clothes hampers.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Feb 14 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe
there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to
ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down
into the ground, and live there. But don't ever call us
"ants," because we hate that.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Feb 15 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Feb 16 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But
now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the
other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with
a smile.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Feb 17 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in
my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count
that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Feb 18 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of
destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more
use out of the weapons we already have.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Feb 19 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had
to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a
joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't
laugh very much. Some friend HE is.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Feb 20 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of
vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Feb 21 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting
them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no
good reason.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Feb 22 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by
something as simple as wild dogs.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Feb 23 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we
can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is
what annoys me.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Feb 24 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think a good idea to get into a movie is to show up where
they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto
your buttocks and start yowling and running around.
Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy
would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Feb 25 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me
if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth,
or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh.
Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing
he would forget what he asked me.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Feb 26 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a
whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on
some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in
it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Feb 27 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at
some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins.
Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and
while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Feb 28 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that
it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta.
Grow up.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Mar 1 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your
underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words
have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign
of jungle madness.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Mar 2 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer
right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops
a good, lucky feeling.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Mar 3 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when
someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay
me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Do you have that
fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Mar 4 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out
and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag
would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl ? You must have
me mixed up with THAT dork " and point to another father.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Mar 5 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary.
I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back
to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Mar 6 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that
noise.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Mar 7 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was
going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead
drove him to an old, burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said,
"Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think
that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I
started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
getting pretty late.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Mar 8 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the
word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two
separate words--"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean?
It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Mar 9 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the
roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle
Lou. "Don't move!" screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't
listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his
arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened
after that.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Mar 10 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds,
because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient
down and have a long, personal talk. After that, I'm not
sure, but maybe you could throw water in his face or
something.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Mar 11 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Mar 12 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The memories of my family outings are still a source of
strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car--I
forget what kind it was--and drive and drive. I'm not sure
where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think
we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Mar 13 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in
front of our house. And thought, I too am like that snail.
I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you
will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective
substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Mar 14 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a
wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE
THINK HE'S GOING?
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Mar 15 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in
the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into
a panic.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Mar 16 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your
life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are,
little blacksmith.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Mar 17 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're travelling in a time machine, and you're eating
corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things
one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to
make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Mar 18 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those
high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Mar 19 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask
is if they ever press charges.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Mar 20 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things
off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong
with little bits of cheese? They'd probably break down into
their various gases before they even hit.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Mar 21 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I
think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take
them back to my home planet.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Mar 22 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a
bow tie that spins or changes colors.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Mar 23 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a
state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some
kind of pornography booth?
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Mar 24 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off,
and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him
off right away.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Mar 25 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that
what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy.
First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me
again.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Mar 26 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a
six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way,
if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.
He's carrying a soldering iron " and started laughing, I
could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real
quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering
iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
drink.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Mar 27 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down,
I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh
too, because come on, life is funny.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Mar 28 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how
about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when
you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it
lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the
front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is
check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and
numbers to see who is asking the question.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Mar 29 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of
the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't
understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Mar 30 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest
thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel
right off. You see, we _build_ to that.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Mar 31 00:03:28 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then
I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys
like me.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Apr 1 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta
cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at
Marineland says "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins.
They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give
them. Man, wise up.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Apr 2 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should
be considered an enemy planet.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Apr 3 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most
common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow
the head to breathe.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Apr 4 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing
stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the
meteor--through some kind of space warp or something. "Go,
Bob, go," yelled one of the generals. "Give me that," said
the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen,
Bob," he said. "You've got to steer that meteor away from
Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea.
Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of
the meteor.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Apr 5 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people
their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little
basket-beds with my name on it.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Apr 6 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good
thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and
laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It
might just fit in with what somebody just said. And even if
it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Apr 7 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The memories of my family outings are still a source of
strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car--I
forget what kind it was--and drive and drive. I'm not sure
where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think
we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Apr 8 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet a fun thing would be to go back in time to where there
was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have
come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the
sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd
probably try to kill you or something, but then you could
explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone
would have a good laugh.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Apr 9 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy
river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Apr 10 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that
big of a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're
probably not going to find a swan that looks that much
better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Apr 11 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I was being executed by lethal injection, I'd clean up my
cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say,
"Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.'" They'd
probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Apr 12 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our
civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were
just kidding, that this isn't our real civilization, but a
gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come
back in twenty years to see our real civilization. After
that, we start a crash program of coming up with a new
civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as
they're waving good-bye.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Apr 13 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off,
and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him
off right away.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Apr 14 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because
you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Apr 15 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a
king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are
some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Apr 16 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but
we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street
carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner
bags?
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Apr 17 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking
a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Apr 18 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage,
he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage,
he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down
some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then
"skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Apr 19 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to
tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is
crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because
of something you did."
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Apr 20 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the
stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just
pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in
your lap and form it into a big, mushy ball. Then, later,
when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a
big, fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say,
"Boy, these are good cigars!"
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Apr 21 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in
my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count
that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Apr 22 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of
destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more
use out of the weapons we already have.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Apr 23 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I was being executed by lethal injection, I'd clean up my
cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say,
"Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.'" They'd
probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Apr 24 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of
vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Apr 25 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting
them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no
good reason.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Apr 26 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring
a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that
tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Apr 27 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could
fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the
preening.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Apr 28 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think a good idea to get into a movie is to show up where
they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto
your buttocks and start yowling and running around.
Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy
would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Apr 29 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most
common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow
the head to breathe.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Apr 30 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a
whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on
some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in
it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat May 1 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at
some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins.
Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and
while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun May 2 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that
it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta.
Grow up.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon May 3 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in
front of our house. And thought, I too am like that snail.
I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you
will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective
substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue May 4 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer
right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops
a good, lucky feeling.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed May 5 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's
some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take
it easy.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu May 6 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out
and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag
would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl ? You must have
me mixed up with THAT dork " and point to another father.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri May 7 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary.
I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back
to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat May 8 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that
noise.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun May 9 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was
going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead
drove him to an old, burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said,
"Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think
that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I
started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
getting pretty late.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon May 10 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship
are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know
what? They never find him. And you know why they never find
him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the
reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you
can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue May 11 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for
a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind
his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed May 12 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's
right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather,
you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give an
honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison
feather?
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu May 13 00:00:03 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one
thing you would constantly find yourself telling people
would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry
and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him
later."
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri May 14 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when
he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not
feel too bad.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat May 15 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet a fun thing would be to go back in time to where there
was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have
come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the
sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd
probably try to kill you or something, but then you could
explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone
would have a good laugh.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun May 16 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a
wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE
THINK HE'S GOING?
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon May 17 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of
something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says,
"Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got
these sacks."
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue May 18 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one
that is least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed May 19 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to
everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a
wonderful world that would be.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu May 20 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those
high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri May 21 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which
have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common
wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat May 22 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike,
vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would
pick "Americans" as their mascot.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun May 23 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I
think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take
them back to my home planet.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon May 24 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a
bow tie that spins or changes colors.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue May 25 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a
state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some
kind of pornography booth?
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed May 26 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And
he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's
carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also,
you're drunk.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu May 27 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that
what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy.
First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me
again.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri May 28 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a
six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way,
if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.
He's carrying a soldering iron " and started laughing, I
could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real
quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering
iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
drink.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat May 29 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that
big of a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're
probably not going to find a swan that looks that much
better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun May 30 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think
it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean
that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon May 31 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of
the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't
understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jun 1 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto
someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off,
I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jun 2 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth
part of the face.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jun 3 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your
underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words
have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign
of jungle madness.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jun 4 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just
sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jun 5 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-
appointed psychiatrist is our "friend."
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jun 6 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a
state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some
kind of pornography booth?
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jun 7 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to
laugh at that man.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jun 8 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep
Dracula _and_ Superman away.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jun 10 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult
operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is,
"Can't you make it shoot farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's
as far as it shoots.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jun 11 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I
guess was why several of us died from tuberculosis.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jun 12 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the
lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)?
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jun 13 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp,
because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try
to catch you, because, hey, free dummy.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jun 14 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they
live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a
new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are
thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jun 15 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in
every culture, is the story of Popeye.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jun 16 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody,
like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding
done, because you'd really be surprised.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jun 17 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed
to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems"
from burglars.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jun 18 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about
the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it
doesn't have that dangerous beak.
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jun 19 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
--- SBBSecho 3.12-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jun 21 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a
plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying
down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act
like they just woke up and go, "What was _that_? "
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jun 22 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in
your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the
dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think,
"Forgive me, but that's just too much."
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jun 23 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the
inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and
scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jun 24 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy
gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes
shooting out, riding on water skis. How do they do that?
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jun 25 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave,
embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a
flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used
for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the
surrender.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jun 26 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off,
and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him
off right away.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jun 27 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very
large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you
camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jun 28 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody,
like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding
done, because you'd really be surprised.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jun 29 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the
roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle
Lou. "Don't move!" screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't
listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his
arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened
after that.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jun 30 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a
bow tie that spins or changes colors.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jul 1 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think one way police departments could make some money
would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people,
for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jul 2 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The memories of my family outings are still a source of
strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car--I
forget what kind it was--and drive and drive. I'm not sure
where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think
we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jul 3 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one
would you think like dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy,
wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jul 4 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be
amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how
we take so much of it for granted.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jul 5 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of
destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more
use out of the weapons we already have.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jul 6 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your
life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are,
little blacksmith.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jul 7 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented
the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned
the wheel.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jul 8 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting
them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no
good reason.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jul 9 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring
a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that
tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jul 10 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a
big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole
person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a
little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a
person, because it would be too small. But there's a little
doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy--
something like that.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jul 11 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jul 12 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking
a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jul 13 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people
their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little
basket-beds with my name on it.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jul 14 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to
tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is
crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because
of something you did."
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jul 15 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the
stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just
pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in
your lap and form it into a big, mushy ball. Then, later,
when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a
big, fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say,
"Boy, these are good cigars!"
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jul 16 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real.
And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and
everything in between, plus some things I can't remember,
all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jul 17 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy
river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jul 18 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes
me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid,
stupid bastard!" Then I drive them out into the desert to
where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra
and clown life.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jul 19 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me
quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my
own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was
only later that I discovered they were not Indians after all,
but dirty clothes hampers.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jul 20 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp,
because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try
to catch you, because, hey, free dummy.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jul 21 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call
it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for
tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey
with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit
tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a
tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jul 22 00:00:19 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for
a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind
his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jul 23 00:00:03 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the
word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two
separate words--"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean?
It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jul 24 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me
if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth,
or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh.
Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing
he would forget what he asked me.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jul 25 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw
into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone
a lot.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jul 26 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe
there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to
ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down
into the ground, and live there. But don't ever call us
"ants," because we hate that.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jul 27 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when
he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not
feel too bad.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Jul 28 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the
stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just
pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in
your lap and form it into a big, mushy ball. Then, later,
when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a
big, fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say,
"Boy, these are good cigars!"
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Jul 29 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I
don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's
just too rich a subject.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Jul 30 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in
the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into
a panic.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jul 31 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one
that is least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Aug 1 00:00:41 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle,
don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in
a while. It's their way of letting off stress.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Aug 2 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that
noise.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Aug 3 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing.
But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come
back with some whore he picked up in town.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Aug 4 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could
fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the
preening.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Aug 5 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my
name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last
name was Blankenship.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Aug 6 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's
right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather,
you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give an
honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison
feather?
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Aug 7 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a
whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on
some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in
it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Aug 8 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Once, when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a
mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and
wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as
long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to
catch, you know." He started telling his story, about the
treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story
isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started
thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then,
the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that
story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story
was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was
a little long, though.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Aug 13 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented
the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned
the wheel.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Aug 9 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof
reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy
Texaco latrine.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Aug 10 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I
don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's
just too rich a subject.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Aug 11 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody
else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to
avoid eye contact.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Aug 12 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how
about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when
you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it
lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the
front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is
check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and
numbers to see who is asking the question.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Aug 14 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those
high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Aug 15 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask
is if they ever press charges.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Aug 16 08:23:26 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth
part of the face.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Aug 17 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the
word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two
separate words--"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean?
It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Aug 18 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a
bow tie that spins or changes colors.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Aug 19 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular
heaven and pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a
trick, but if it's not - mmmmm, boy.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Aug 20 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Aug 21 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep
Dracula _and_ Superman away.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Aug 22 00:00:23 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not
our children's children, because I don't think children
should be having sex.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Aug 23 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a
wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE
THINK HE'S GOING?
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Aug 24 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think
it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean
that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Aug 25 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
A quiz: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer:
me.)
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Aug 26 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're travelling in a time machine, and you're eating
corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things
one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to
make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Aug 27 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and
bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because
I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Aug 28 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your
underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words
have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign
of jungle madness.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Aug 29 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in
your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the
dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think,
"Forgive me, but that's just too much."
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Aug 30 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I
think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take
them back to my home planet.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Aug 31 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about
the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it
doesn't have that dangerous beak.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Sep 1 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Sep 2 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And
he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's
carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also,
you're drunk.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Sep 3 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I
was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite
so funny.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Sep 4 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in
my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count
that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Sep 5 00:00:03 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down,
I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh
too, because come on, life is funny.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Sep 6 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to
red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing
more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it
seemed that way.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Sep 7 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet
bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes
are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do
this, but my God, we've got to try something.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Sep 8 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest
thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel
right off. You see, we _build_ to that.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Sep 9 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in
every culture, is the story of Popeye.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Sep 10 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just
want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and
gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am
beautiful.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Sep 11 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than
some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long
stick.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Sep 12 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick
the other leg up high behind you to keep people from
following too close.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Sep 13 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so
bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a
few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Sep 14 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at
some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins.
Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and
while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Sep 15 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a
plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying
down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act
like they just woke up and go, "What was _that_? "
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Sep 16 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be
amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how
we take so much of it for granted.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Sep 17 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult
operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is,
"Can't you make it shoot farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's
as far as it shoots.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Sep 18 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy
gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes
shooting out, riding on water skis. How do they do that?
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Sep 19 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave,
embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a
flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used
for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the
surrender.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Sep 20 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your
rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who
the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam
the door.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Sep 21 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they
live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a
new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are
thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Sep 22 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a
skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a
skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and
really scare you.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Sep 23 00:01:34 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's
glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that
glove has been.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Sep 24 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed
to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems"
from burglars.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Sep 25 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out
and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag
would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl ? You must have
me mixed up with THAT dork " and point to another father.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Sep 26 00:00:03 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary.
I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back
to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Sep 27 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's
glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that
glove has been.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Sep 28 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain
scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the
part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Sep 29 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a
king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are
some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Sep 30 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me,
you.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Oct 1 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then
I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys
like me.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Oct 2 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also,
check out his Adam's apple.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Oct 3 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
You know one thing that will make a woman mad? Just run up
and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Oct 4 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
You know what would make a good story? Something about a
clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.
Also, he has severe diarrhea.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Oct 5 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope
He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Oct 6 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed
to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems"
from burglars.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Oct 7 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people
their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little
basket-beds with my name on it.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Oct 8 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by,
and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap
because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's
your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Oct 9 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The memories of my family outings are still a source of
strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car--I
forget what kind it was--and drive and drive. I'm not sure
where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think
we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Oct 10 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real.
And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and
everything in between, plus some things I can't remember,
all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Oct 11 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy
river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Oct 12 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for
a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind
his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Oct 13 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I was being executed by lethal injection, I'd clean up my
cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say,
"Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.'" They'd
probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Oct 14 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, one
thing you would constantly find yourself telling people
would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry
and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him
later."
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Oct 15 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best.
We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and
because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out
he was a bear.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Oct 16 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring
a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that
tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Oct 17 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a
six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way,
if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.
He's carrying a soldering iron " and started laughing, I
could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real
quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering
iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
drink.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Oct 18 00:00:04 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the
roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle
Lou. "Don't move!" screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't
listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his
arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened
after that.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Oct 19 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not
our children's children, because I don't think children
should be having sex.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Oct 20 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe
there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to
ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down
into the ground, and live there. But don't ever call us
"ants," because we hate that.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Oct 21 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary.
I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back
to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Oct 22 00:00:03 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very
large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you
camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Oct 23 00:00:04 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think a good idea to get into a movie is to show up where
they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto
your buttocks and start yowling and running around.
Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy
would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Oct 24 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just
call them "impressions," and if you got a different
"impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Oct 25 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes
me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid,
stupid bastard!" Then I drive them out into the desert to
where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra
and clown life.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Oct 26 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet
bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes
are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do
this, but my God, we've got to try something.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Oct 27 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest
thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel
right off. You see, we _build_ to that.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Oct 28 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring
a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that
tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Oct 29 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could
fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the
preening.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Oct 30 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship
are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know
what? They never find him. And you know why they never find
him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the
reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you
can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Oct 31 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me
if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth,
or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh.
Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing
he would forget what he asked me.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Nov 1 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about
it that was very pleasurable--until I realized it wasn't a
nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Nov 2 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the
stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just
pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in
your lap and form it into a big, mushy ball. Then, later,
when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a
big, fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say,
"Boy, these are good cigars!"
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Nov 4 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of
destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more
use out of the weapons we already have.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Nov 5 00:00:06 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a
circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at
me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Nov 6 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot
and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in
his car and keep driving.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Nov 7 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not
the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous
animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and
eating everything they see.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Nov 8 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that
what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy.
First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me
again.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Nov 9 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet a fun thing would be to go back in time to where there
was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have
come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the
sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd
probably try to kill you or something, but then you could
explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone
would have a good laugh.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Nov 14 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But
now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the
other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with
a smile.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Nov 15 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I
was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite
so funny.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Nov 16 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just
call them "impressions," and if you got a different
"impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Nov 17 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-
appointed psychiatrist is our "friend."
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Nov 18 00:00:21 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it
so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But
when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the
funeral, when the preacher said "Dust to dust," some people
laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told
the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Nov 19 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the
queen's round metal hat.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Nov 20 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little
trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's
house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the
door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a
note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot
better, and no harm done.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Nov 21 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was
going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead
drove him to an old, burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said,
"Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think
that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I
started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
getting pretty late.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Nov 22 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope
He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Nov 23 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're an ant, and you're walking across the top of a cup
of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing
between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding
skin.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Nov 24 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds,
because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient
down and have a long, personal talk. After that, I'm not
sure, but maybe you could throw water in his face or
something.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Nov 25 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so
bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a
few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Nov 26 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when
he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not
feel too bad.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Nov 27 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in
front of our house. And thought, I too am like that snail.
I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you
will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective
substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Nov 28 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I
don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's
just too rich a subject.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Nov 29 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my
name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last
name was Blankenship.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Nov 30 00:00:23 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by
something as simple as wild dogs.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Dec 1 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a
state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some
kind of pornography booth?
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Dec 2 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at
some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins.
Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and
while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Dec 3 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a
plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying
down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act
like they just woke up and go, "What was _that_? "
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Dec 4 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a
skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a
skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and
really scare you.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Dec 5 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the
roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle
Lou. "Don't move!" screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't
listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his
arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened
after that.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Dec 6 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular
heaven and pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a
trick, but if it's not - mmmmm, boy.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Dec 7 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I could come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite
thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash
you, ick , you're all over their lip
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Dec 8 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
As we were driving we saw a sign that said "Watch For
Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch For Pretty Rocks."
I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway
department, but she started saying it was a joke--just to
get out of writing a simple letter. And I thought I was lazy.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Dec 9 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was
watching. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said
Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we
should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted.
I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and
forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided
to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Dec 10 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your
underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words
have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign
of jungle madness.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Dec 11 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let
'em go, because, man, they're gone.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Dec 12 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how
about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when
you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it
lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the
front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is
check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and
numbers to see who is asking the question.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Dec 13 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of
the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't
understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Dec 14 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Dec 15 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I
knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said.
"I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said the Coach, "you
never were really _on_ the team. You made that uniform
you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a
toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either
steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you
try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all
true what he was saying. And yes, I thought, something is
brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in
me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's
when I felt the handcuffs go on.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Dec 16 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be
amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how
we take so much of it for granted.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Dec 17 00:00:02 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know
sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Dec 18 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and
gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you
would get booed off the stage. They're just not ready.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Dec 19 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave,
embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a
flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used
for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the
surrender.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Dec 20 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by,
and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap
because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's
your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Dec 21 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they
live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a
new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are
thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Dec 22 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a
lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still
be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Dec 23 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody,
like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding
done, because you'd really be surprised.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Dec 24 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will
I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Dec 25 00:00:04 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing
stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the
meteor--through some kind of space warp or something. "Go,
Bob, go," yelled one of the generals. "Give me that," said
the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen,
Bob," he said. "You've got to steer that meteor away from
Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea.
Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of
the meteor.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Dec 26 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to
communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house
across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone
would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this
squawking and cheeping. "What? What?" I would yell back,
but he never did speak English.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Dec 27 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I
knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said.
"I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said the Coach, "you
never were really _on_ the team. You made that uniform
you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a
toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either
steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you
try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all
true what he was saying. And yes, I thought, something is
brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in
me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's
when I felt the handcuffs go on.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Dec 28 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real.
And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and
everything in between, plus some things I can't remember,
all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed Dec 29 00:00:01 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And
then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey,
what's for supper?"
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu Dec 30 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that
big of a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're
probably not going to find a swan that looks that much
better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri Dec 31 00:00:00 2021

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me
quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my
own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was
only later that I discovered they were not Indians after all,
but dirty clothes hampers.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat Jan 1 00:00:02 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage,
he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage,
he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down
some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then
"skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun Jan 2 00:00:01 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off,
and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him
off right away.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon Jan 3 00:00:01 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I
was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite
so funny.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue Jan 4 00:00:00 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a
king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are
some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat May 14 00:00:07 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a
lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still
be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun May 15 00:00:06 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that
what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy.
First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me
again.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon May 16 10:59:58 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a
six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way,
if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look.
He's carrying a soldering iron " and started laughing, I
could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real
quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering
iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
drink.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue May 17 09:03:05 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp,
because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try
to catch you, because, hey, free dummy.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed May 18 10:54:23 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think
it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean
that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu May 19 00:00:05 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask
is if they ever press charges.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri May 20 00:00:06 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's
say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your
partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes
out for the moon pieces, wham , you just slam the door
behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio
and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again,
bat man."
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat May 21 07:13:47 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I bet a fun thing would be to go back in time to where there
was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have
come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the
sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd
probably try to kill you or something, but then you could
explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone
would have a good laugh.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun May 22 00:00:06 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play
within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold
on for the ride of your life.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon May 23 08:54:45 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down,
I think it's okay to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh
too, because come on, life is funny.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Tue May 24 00:00:07 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your
life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are,
little blacksmith.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Wed May 25 00:00:07 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're travelling in a time machine, and you're eating
corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things
one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to
make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Thu May 26 00:00:06 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your
underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words
have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign
of jungle madness.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Fri May 27 00:00:05 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody,
like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding
done, because you'd really be surprised.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sat May 28 00:00:06 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike,
vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would
pick "Americans" as their mascot.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Sun May 29 00:00:06 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your
life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are,
little blacksmith.
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Digital Distortion BBS@316:36/30 to All on Mon May 30 00:00:07 2022

Today's Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:

by Jack Handey
��
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to
tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is
crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because
of something you did."
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From cr1mson@316:36/1 to Digital Distortion BBS on Wed Oct 26 14:32:36 2022

Hi Eric,

On 25 Oct 2022, Digital Distortion BBS said the following...

Glad to see Deep Thoughts back on the Clean Jokes sub again.

-cr1mson

--- Mystic BBS v1.12 A48 2022/07/15 (Linux/32)
* Origin: Raiders Inc BBS -- vintagebbsing.com:1337 (316:36/1)

From Nightfox@316:36/30 to cr1mson on Wed Oct 26 19:00:14 2022

Re: Re: Today's Deep Thought by Jack Handey
By: cr1mson to Digital Distortion BBS on Wed Oct 26 2022 02:32 pm

Glad to see Deep Thoughts back on the Clean Jokes sub again.

I'm glad to hear the last post got out. My BBS should have posted one again this morning though, and it looks like it didn't.. I'll have to look at my BBS configuration and logs to see why that didn't happen..

Nightfox
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

From Nightfox@316:36/30 to cr1mson on Wed Oct 26 19:08:34 2022

Re: Re: Today's Deep Thought by Jack Handey
By: Nightfox to cr1mson on Wed Oct 26 2022 07:00 pm

Glad to see Deep Thoughts back on the Clean Jokes sub again.

I'm glad to hear the last post got out. My BBS should have posted one again this morning though, and it looks like it didn't.. I'll have to look

I think I've fixed it. :)

Nightfox
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Linux
* Origin: Digital Distortion: digdist.synchro.net (316:36/30)

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Today's Deep Thought by Jack Handey

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