-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Doused with microwave radiation, Theodore Wong gained the ability
to glow and be detected at great distances by anyone with a Geiger
counter. Forced to retire, Wong has left former sidekick Lite to
continue his battle against the forces of corruption, chaos and common
sense, and carry on the legacy of the fabulous EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN. -----------------------------------------------------------------------
The following takes place sometime after issue #8 of the Legion of Net.Heroes mini-series "Beige Countdown." -----------------------------------------------------------------------
-----Previously on "The Adventures of Easily-Discovered Man"-----------
Though suspended by the LEGION OF NET.HEROES, Easily-Discovered
Man Lite continues his attempt to solve the murder of the WAFFLE QUEEN, Easily-Discovered Man's arch-nemesis. Having followed her killer's
trail from the streets of Net.ropolis to the farms and pastures of
Mount Roosevelt, Ohio, Lite learns that the Waffle Queen's death may
be connected to an adventure he and Easily-Discovered Man had together decades earlier -- a time-traveling episode neither hero can remember.
Before continuing Lite's time-lost travails in this landmark
60th issue, the author would like to take a moment to acknowledge
another milestone: the 30th anniversary of this series, which began publication in October of 1993 and does not appear, as of yet, to be acknowledging any well-meaning hints that it should stop...
--EDM-- --EDM-- --EDM--
"So Lite -- Hector -- Mr. Lopez," the reporter asked, holding his
pen above her notebook at an angle that suggested he was about to
demolish a fly. "You've been acting as sidekick to Easily-Discovered
Man Lite now for 30 years -- which is coincidentally the same amount
of time Ed McMahon served as second banana to _Tonight Show_ host
Johnny Carson. How does it feel to have spent what I can only assume
are likely to be the best years of your life as someone else's No. 2?"
"Well, Mr. Winters," I began, tempted to tell the young Luddite (honestly, who still used pens and notebooks in 2025)? what I actually thought about his question, and him, and the media in general.
Unfortunately, I'd promised my agent and my publicist and the
LNH's public relations department and someone I was pretty sure was an
intern for a marketing agency but in retrospect might just have been
a woman talking to herself in an alley that I would stay as far away
from my actual opinions during the interview as was humanly possible.
It had been a rough year for Easily-Discovered Man brand Crocs, Easily-Discovered Man Fruit Bacon, Easily-Discovered Man Vitamin
Supplements and Easily-Discovered Man Mystery Flavor Pop-Tarts
(which were a combination of all of the above). We needed -- I needed
-- all the good publicity we could get.
"It's like this," I said. "Are you familiar with the anglerfish?"
The reporter paused. "Are they a WNBA team?"
"Not even close, Will. They're a type of fish that lives in the deep ocean. The female has a little light she uses to lure her prey
into an enormous mouth full of deadly, needle-like teeth."
"And you're saying that's how you feel -- that you're the little
Lite that..."
"Again, not even close," I said. "Now, the male anglerfish is
about twenty times smaller than the male. He doesn't have a light.
He doesn't have much of anything going on, actually. And when he
mates with the female -- when he finally finds the love of his fishy
life -- he becomes permanently attached to her. In fact, her body eventually grows around and absorbs his into her."
"I see," said the reporter, scratching furiously at his pad.
"So how does this relate to your role as Easily-Discovered Man's
sidekick?"
"Well, Will," I said, "when I think back about the last thirty
years -- the villains we've faced, the lives we've saved, the
staggeringly gorgeous damsels in distress we've freed who I really
wish would get back to me like they said they would -- when I think
about my time with the LNH, about my travels in time and space, the
heroes I've met, the scars I carry -- yes, Will, I can honestly say
that I am truly freaking glad that I wasn't born an anglerfish."
"I see," said the reporter, who clearly didn't. "So how do you explain the fact that, while battling crime for more than three
decades, you've only aged two calendar years?"
"I drink the adrenachrome harvested from children imprisoned in
the basements of pizza parlors, just like all of the other high-
ranking members of the Democratic party," I replied.
"Seriously?"
"No. The age thing is part of my union contract."
"Of course," the reporter said. "What would you say was the greatest victory you and Easily-Discovered Man ever achieved?"
"That would be the Boston Red Sox's triumph in game four of the
2004 American League Championship Series against the New York
Yankees," I said.
"But... you couldn't possibly have had anything to do with the outcome of that game," the reporter sputtered.
"Keep believing that all you want," I said.
"Okay," the reporter said. "What about your greatest defeat? Is there anything you regret about the past 30 years?"
I sighed. "I was afraid you were going to ask that question," I said. "The fact is, I deeply regret something about our current adventure. The one we're just about to present, in fact."
"Because you'll be facing off against a group of villains named
for the misheard lyrics in a 1985 Billy Joel song?" the reporter asked.
"No," I said, "that's fairly standard practice. What I regret is ...well, look, Will. This adventure is happening in the past. It's apparently part of a repressed memory. That means I forgot weeks,
even months out of my life. I mean, who does that? And if I forgot
all about fighting evil in the past with a teenaged Waffle Queen and a Substitute Lad who doesn't know he's Substitute Lad, well what else
might I have forgotten about?"
"Is THAT all?" the reporter asked, as music, inexplicably, began playing all around us. "Why, people forget things all the time! From little annoying things to actions with world-shaking consequences!
From really famous and important people to... well, you!"
"Are you hearing this?" I said. "Why does it sound like someone
is playing the tune from 'My Favorite Things'?"
"For example," the reporter said, grabbing a portly, well-
manicured gentleman in a sweater vest, "take the former U.S.
Representative from New York. What have you forgotten, George?"
"Pushing a Ponzi scheme on Wall Street yuppies
Stealing the money I raised for sick puppies
Inventing employees and college degrees --
Those are a few of my lost memories," the Congressman sang.
"Spending campaign funds on restaurants and tschotskes
Claiming my 'Jew-ish' family fled from the Nazis
Saying my mom died in the World Trade Center
These are the things I find hard to remember"
"When the cops call," the Congressman continued
"When the media ring," the reporter added,
"When the facts come clear," they sang in unison,
Simply tell them that you just can't recall
And that it's a disgusting politicized smear!"
"I'm not sure we're talking about the same kind of situation," I began, as the reporter drew in a tall, morbidly obsese man with tiny
orange hands.
"Of course it's the same!" the reporter said. "Just ask this
very stable genius -- the former President of the United States!"
"Caging small children away from their mamas," he sang.
"Insisting my crowd was bigger than Obama's
Telling sick people to shoot up with bleach
...That's no reason for Congress to impeach!
"Running for office and getting defeated
Claiming it's rigged and the other side cheated
Inciting my goons to a treasonous plot
These are a few of the things I forgot!"
"When the walls close," the Congressman sang
"When your lawyer sings," the former President added
"When the media gets excited," the reporter continued
"Simply tell them you forgot all these things
And then you won't be... indicted!"
"So there's really nothing to worry about," the reporter said, patting me on the back with his notebook. "Just remember: they can
accuse you. They can arrest you. They can even convict you..."
"But they can't make you remember what you can't... or don't
want to... remember," the Congressman said.
"Or feel ashamed for it," said the former President. "Not that
I have anything to feel ashamed for, although if I did, it would be
the best and the biggest, really the most beautiful, the most amazing
thing that anyone in the history of feeling ashamed about anything
had ever been ashamed of."
"And with that in mind," I said, "we now present episode #60 of
_The Adventures of Easily-Discovered Man," "Breaking(fast) Bad..."
"With a special shout-out," the former President added, " to our sponsor: the United States Department of Gratuitous Evil. Don't bother hitting 'like' or 'subscribe' -- they already know who and where
you are."
--EDM-- --EDM-- --EDM--
There were times when working as the sidekick to Easily-
Discovered Man could be... difficult. In the days before digital
cameras, for example, it was hard to take a clear picture without
the radiation that gave him his powers (and, to be perfectly honest,
_was_ his power) fogging up the film. And patrolling the city
with him on a summer night meant a huge crowd of moths following us
wherever we went.
There were other times, however, when being a sidekick felt like magic -- that while the other kids in my high school talked about
going out to do something to make the world a better place, I was
actually helping to save it on a regular basis.
I had a feeling this might be one of those times.
"Okay, Prof," I said, pacing back and forth within Deathstocker's dining room. "We have until midnight to keep... I can't believe I'm
saying this... Hula Hoops Castro from unleashing his Red China
Johnny Ray on the Suez, wherever that is, and changing history to
something I'm not going to be able to remember when I take my
high school exit exam. So what do we do? We don't have access to
Legion of Net.Heroes flight.thingees, since there is no Legion,
and Uber won't be invented for decades. We don't even have the Easily-Discovered Van. Should I ask Substitute Lad to duplicate
the powers of someone who can fly?"
This was usually when the Prof was at his best -- ready to leap
into action, shouting out something both incomprehensible and
inspiring. At the moment, however, he just... stood there.
"Stay your hand a moment, my conscientious coadjutor," the Prof
said, looking oddly thoughtful. "Does anything about our current
situation strike you as somewhat... unusual?"
"We're trapped in the distant past, visiting in the home of one
of your archenemies, getting ready to do battle with a group of
villain's no one's ever heard of based on a Billy Joel song that
hasn't been written yet," I said. "Sounds like Tuesday for us."
"Perhaps," Easily-Discovered Man said. "But does it not seem strange to you that the very moment we arrive in this world -- a
world completely absent of super-heroes or villains -- those
criminals would suddenly appear to issue a challenge?"
I thought about that. "It is kind of odd," I said. "Do you think... that's why we're here? That we got pulled out of time to
save the world from a 1980s pop song?"
"The romantic in me wants to say yes," the Prof said. "But the scientist in me demands that I rule out all other explanations first."
"Okay," I said. "Three super-powered criminals pop up out of nowhere to wreak havoc while you and I happen to be in town. Other
than the plot of _Superman II_, I don't see any other explanation.
It's just a weird coincidence."
"Unless," the Prof said, "we were dealing with someone with the
power to cause whatever he needed to appear... out, as you say, of
nowwhere."
"You think Deathstocker might be behind this?" I asked, lowering
my voice. "Why would he go to so much trouble? If he wanted to
whack us, why not just do it while we're standing in his living
room? Or is this the family room? I always get those two mixed up."
"That, my inquisitive intern, is what I intend to find out,"
the Prof said. "In the mean time, I need you to do what you do best."
"Chug an entire can of Mr. Paprika and burp the alphabet?"
"Keep our host distracted," the Prof said. "Stay close to his daughter, and to the being Deathstocker's technology brought here
from the future."
"You mean Substitute Lad?" I asked.
"He may look like the hero you know, but we have no idea when in history Deathstocker's machine retrieved him," the Prof said. "He
may not yet have received the ability to duplicate the power of
other beings. Or he may command that power, but have no idea how to
control it. If so, he could potentially be very dangerous."
"So his great power is my great responsibility. Got it," I said. "Anything else?"
"Yes," Easily-Discovered Man said. "Substitute Lad is not the
only being tampering with power beyond his ken. "Deathstocker and his progeny seem to have the ability to draw technology forth from any point
in time. That does not mean they understand it. It is imperative for
the future of our present that we do not, even inadvertently, assist
them in doing so."
"Keep IT on the DL," I said. "Not a problem. I couldn't even tell you how to set the blinking clock on their microwave oven."
"Beware, my adolescent attendant," the Prof said, lowering his
voice to a whisper as Deathstocker's footsteps lumbered closer.
"You know more than you think you know... and not knowing what you
know may bestow our foe enow with knowing he does not yet know his
knowledge of is low."
"Whoa."
"Ah, gentlemen," Deathstocker said, entering the room with a
plastic orange bottle on a tray surrounded by stacks of small paper
cups. "I thought you might like some Sunny Delight while you're
planning. And Lite... my daughter is downstairs in the lab
fabricating a uniform for our friend from the future -- did you
say his name was Subsequent Lad? In any case, she'd be more than
happy to create one for you as well."
"Substitute," I said. "And thanks, but no thanks. I prefer
to keep a low profile."
"Even though your name is Easily-Discovered Man Lite?"
"It's just one of the many mysteries that makes me such an
effective crimefighter," I said.
"If you say so," Deathstocker said. "Feel free to requisition
any of the equipment down there that you think might enable you
to defeat Castro and his cronies. We can't let the Suez Canal
fall into the wrong hands. Again, I mean."
"Nothing to worry about," I said, relieved both to finally know
what the Suez was and to have an excuse to avoid drinking any of the
orange substance Deathstocker had brought us. "The Prof and I have
a great track record when it comes to defending international
waterways. Why, in our time they've been talking about renaming
the Bering Strait to..."
"Lab," the Prof commanded.
"No, that doesn't have quite the same... oh. Go to the lab.
Right, boss."
Deathstocker's lab (did the guy have an actual name, or
did his friends and neighbors refer to him as 'Deathstocker?')
looked more or less like anyone's basement, in that a small part of
it was usable, and the rest was filled with stacks of random boxes
and old equipment gathering dust. It was the variety of boxes and
equipment that set it apart. Some of it I recognized -- electric
scooters, a George Foreman grill, a few different generations of PlayStation. Other items were beyond me. In the back, for example,
sat a gunmetal-gray vehicle that looked like it had been designed by
a child who saw one of the Cylons from _Battlestar Gallactica_, and
thought it would be interesting to put wheels on it. It was like
stumbling into the world's weirdest garage sale -- or, as the Prof
had said, like finding the secret hoard of a man who could grab
technology from the future without knowing what it was or did.
"What do you think?" asked Substitute Lad, or the person who would eventually become Substitute Lad, who was wearing what certainly seemed
like a version of Substitute Lad's costume. Two things struck me immediately: his outfit was way too tight, and Deathstocker's daughter
didn't seem to mind.
"It... suits you," I said. "But is that... is anything down here going to help get us to the Suez?"
"Why would we want to go to the Suez?" Connie asked, her eyes still focused on Substitute Lad.
"Because that's where the bad guys are."
"No," Connie said, "that's where they said they were going to make trouble, with their whatever-you-call-it ray. So it seems like the place
we should go isn't the place the bad guys are going to destroy, but the
place where they'll be destroying it from."
"Makes sense," said not-yet-Substitute Lad, who turned from Connie's gaze to look at me. "Are you sure you've done this kind of thing before?"
"Pretty sure," I replied. "Speaking of which -- where and when did Deathstocker's gizmo bring you from? What were you doing before you
came here?"
The young man's face clouded over. "I don't remember. Or rather, I remember colors, sounds... but not where I was. Or even who I was."
"We went over this when you were upstairs," Connie said, placing a protective arm around the costumed hero in a manner that did not seem,
to my eyes, strictly necessary. "Now is not the time to play catch-up."
"Right," I muttered. "Because heading off to battle a group of super-villains with a guy who has all kinds of super powers but no memory seems like a safe bet."
I-Can't-Believe-He's-Still-Not Substitute Lad's eyes widened.
"What makes you think I have... super powers?"
I cringed, realizing I'd just done exactly what Easily-Discovered Man had warned me not to do. "Must be the costume," I said. "Say... is that _Dance Dance Revolution_?"
"That thing?" Connie sniffed, following my gaze to a colorful platform with railings on three of its four sides, and what looked to
be several pieces of wet laundry hanging from the railings. "Dad says
it's called a transmatter pad. Used to teleport things from one place
to another."
"Well, that would certainly "What's _Dance Dance
come in handy in getting us to Revolution?_" Not-Quite the villains' lair," I said. Substitute Lad asked.
"It's a video game in which you dance? Do you... like to dance?" Connie asked the costumed man. To me, she snapped, "Even if we knew
where The Fire was hiding -- which we don't -- Dad says these things
only work in pairs. You have to have two transmatter pads to be able
to go from one to the other. That's why we've only ever used this one
as a laundry rack."
"Wait," I said. Something that felt like the beginning of an inkling of an idea was beginning its slow, gradual descent into place.
"I've seen one of those things before."
"You thought it was a video game."
"In my defense, pretty much everything from my time looks like a video game," I said. "But I know I've seen one. And I think I
remember where. You don't happen to have a VCR anywhere in all this
crap, do you? It's, uh, a device you can use to record television broadcasts."
"Never heard of one," Connie said. "But we have TiVo."
Sure-Looks-Like-Substitute Lad stood as if in a fog. "I think...
I think I do like to dance," he said. "I remember something about a waltz..."
"Any chance it recorded that special bulletin from Hula Hoops
Castro and his back-up singers?" I asked.
"Probably," Connie said, poking at something perched on the corner
of an old tube TV. "Dad records everything."
"Or maybe it was a barn dance," the man in the costume mused, as Connie rewound the day's programs.
"I can't believe it!" I gasped.
"What?" Connie looked up, startled. "You saw the device? We
haven't even gotten to the broadcast yet!"
"I can't believe your dad is a 'Young and the Restless' fan. He struck me as more of an 'Edge of Night' kind of guy."
"There it is," Soon-to-Be Substitute Lad said. "And there... just behind one of the hoops... there's that thing Lite thought was a video
game."
"It's a transmatter pad, all right," Connie said. "Which means, in theory, that we could hop on this one over here and beam ourselves
directly into the headquarters of The Fire... assuming we could figure
out how to make it work."
"Deathstocker said I would be 'the greatest hero of the 21st century,' " Very-Nearly Substitute Lad said. "And you seem to know something about me. You said something about me having powers."
"Well, we all have powers, I mean, don't we?" I said. "My first grade teacher said that I had the best penmanship she'd ever seen."
"Lite," Connie said, looking me full in the face with an authority that felt familiar. "We're the only thing standing between the world's busiest shipping lane and a group of terrorists with a death ray. If
you know something that can help us stop them, this would be a really,
really good time to tell us the truth."
"Fine," I said. "She said the _second_ best penmanship..."
"LITE!"
"Okay," I said, having no idea just how truthful I was about to become. "I'm probably going to regret this..."
TO BE CONTINUED...
--EDM-- --EDM-- --EDM--
NEXT ISSUE: Can Easily-Discovered Man Lite, the future
Substitute Lad and the future Waffle Queen manage to put out
The Fire? Is _Dance Dance Revolution_ actually a cover for a
top-secret teleportation experiment? Will the author actually
manage to produce another episode at some point in the next three
years? Find out, in a story we wish we could think of a better name
for than "Search for Tomorrow."
CHARACTERS: Will Winters is (c) Arthur Spitzer. All other characters are (c) the author. More information about these and
other Legion of Net.Heroes characters is available at: https://lnh.diamond-age.net/wiki/Main_Page.
SPECIAL THANKS: To Arthur for his inspiration and not-so-gentle nudging me to write during RACCCon 2024; to Perry and Graham for
letting me read these things aloud to them; and to Apocalypso for
patience and understanding.
--EDM-- --EDM-- --EDM--
“People have expectations of a man in your position
They want you to carry some torch into the public view
Voyeurs of this world ignoring your beautiful words
Say they want you to survive
But they demand this madness of you
Why should you be the one to go out on the edge?
Do you really want to be another dead hero?"
--Luka Bloom
--EDM-- --EDM-- --EDM--
From: Scott
How am I not seeing this in the newsgroup? I'm responding to the whole
thing, just to boost.
And I love the United States Department of Gratuitous Evil.
I imagine the same reason no one sees mine. Rob's probably
using racc mailing list e-mail to post this..
On Sun, Mar 23, 2025 at 7:28 PM Russ Allbery <eagle@eyrie.org> wrote:[...]
Arthur Spitzer <arspitzer2@gmail.com> writes:
So far as I can tell, the messages are posted correctly (I read them all
via Usenet and I see them) and passed to my peers. I don't know what
happens to them after that since I don't have other reading accounts.
The only guess I have so far is that Eternal September, the news server
that Scott uses, discards all multipart/alternative messages, maybe?
(Pretty much all modern email clients send multipart/alternative or just
pure text/html unless they're unusual geeky clients like the one I use.)
So I sent an email to the person who runs Eternal September, asking
about this issue and multipart/alternative messages in general, and
we'll see what they say!
Drew "hopefully this is fixable" Nilium
On 4/1/25 3:22 PM, Ray Banana wrote:
Thus spake Drew Perron <pwerdna@gmail.com><snip>
[Deliberately posted as multipart/alternative with Thunderbird to test
Eternal-september's modified Cleanfeed filter]
Awesome! Both of them came thru on my end! :D Thank you so much!
Drew "hopefully this is all the fix we need" Nilium
On Thu, Mar 20, 2025 at 3:44 PM Rob Rogers <robrogers72@gmail.com> wrote:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Doused with microwave radiation, Theodore Wong gained the ability
to glow and be detected at great distances by anyone with a Geiger
counter. Forced to retire, Wong has left former sidekick Lite to
continue his battle against the forces of corruption, chaos and common
sense, and carry on the legacy of the fabulous EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN.
WOO FUCK YEAH! Sorry for taking so long to jump on this, I have been anticipating it SO HARD :D :D :D
Having followed her killer's
trail from the streets of Net.ropolis to the farms and pastures of
Mount Roosevelt, Ohio, Lite learns that the Waffle Queen's death may
be connected to an adventure he and Easily-Discovered Man had together
decades earlier -- a time-traveling episode neither hero can remember.
Which is an *intriguing* mystery :D
Before continuing Lite's time-lost travails in this landmark
60th issue,
Very good very good
the author would like to take a moment to acknowledge
another milestone: the 30th anniversary of this series, which began
publication in October of 1993 and does not appear, as of yet, to be
acknowledging any well-meaning hints that it should stop...
FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAH. :D MAY IT LONG REIGN.
"So Lite -- Hector -- Mr. Lopez," the reporter asked, holding his
pen above her notebook at an angle that suggested he was about to
demolish a fly.
ooooo, gender
"You've been acting as sidekick to Easily-Discovered
Man Lite now for 30 years -- which is coincidentally the same amount
of time Ed McMahon served as second banana to _Tonight Show_ host
Johnny Carson.
Which ended the year the LNH formed!
Unfortunately, I'd promised my agent and my publicist and the
LNH's public relations department and someone I was pretty sure was an
intern for a marketing agency but in retrospect might just have been
a woman talking to herself in an alley that I would stay as far away
from my actual opinions during the interview as was humanly possible.
X3 I love these building-on-themselves sentences.
It had been a rough year for Easily-Discovered Man brand Crocs,
Easily-Discovered Man Fruit Bacon, Easily-Discovered Man Vitamin
Supplements and Easily-Discovered Man Mystery Flavor Pop-Tarts
(which were a combination of all of the above).
XD XD XD Oh dear
"Well, Will," I said, "when I think back about the last thirty
years -- the villains we've faced, the lives we've saved, the
staggeringly gorgeous damsels in distress we've freed who I really
wish would get back to me like they said they would -- when I think
about my time with the LNH, about my travels in time and space, the
heroes I've met, the scars I carry -- yes, Will, I can honestly say
that I am truly freaking glad that I wasn't born an anglerfish."
"I see," said the reporter, who clearly didn't.
XD XD XD Wonderful.
"So how do you
explain the fact that, while battling crime for more than three
decades, you've only aged two calendar years?"
"I drink the adrenachrome harvested from children imprisoned in
the basements of pizza parlors, just like all of the other high-
ranking members of the Democratic party," I replied.
"Seriously?"
"No. The age thing is part of my union contract."
:D Fuckin' *benefits*, y'all.
"Of course," the reporter said. "What would you say was the
greatest victory you and Easily-Discovered Man ever achieved?"
"That would be the Boston Red Sox's triumph in game four of the
2004 American League Championship Series against the New York
Yankees," I said.
"But... you couldn't possibly have had anything to do with the
outcome of that game," the reporter sputtered.
"Keep believing that all you want," I said.
Amazing. X3 I remember people being *so happy* about that.
I sighed. "I was afraid you were going to ask that question," I
said. "The fact is, I deeply regret something about our current
adventure. The one we're just about to present, in fact."
"Because you'll be facing off against a group of villains named
for the misheard lyrics in a 1985 Billy Joel song?" the reporter asked.
hehehehe
"No," I said, "that's fairly standard practice. What I regret is
...well, look, Will. This adventure is happening in the past. It's
apparently part of a repressed memory. That means I forgot weeks,
even months out of my life. I mean, who does that? And if I forgot
all about fighting evil in the past with a teenaged Waffle Queen and a
Substitute Lad who doesn't know he's Substitute Lad, well what else
might I have forgotten about?"
Damn, that's a good point.
"Are you hearing this?" I said. "Why does it sound like someone
is playing the tune from 'My Favorite Things'?"
"For example," the reporter said, grabbing a portly, well-
manicured gentleman in a sweater vest, "take the former U.S.
Representative from New York. What have you forgotten, George?"
"Pushing a Ponzi scheme on Wall Street yuppies
Stealing the money I raised for sick puppies
Inventing employees and college degrees --
Those are a few of my lost memories," the Congressman sang.
Oh my god. XD
"I'm not sure we're talking about the same kind of situation," I
began, as the reporter drew in a tall, morbidly obsese man with tiny
orange hands.
"Of course it's the same!" the reporter said. "Just ask this
very stable genius -- the former President of the United States!"
OF COURSE.
"Simply tell them you forgot all these things
And then you won't be... indicted!"
UNFORTUNATELY. x-x
"Just remember: they can
accuse you. They can arrest you. They can even convict you..."
"But they can't make you remember what you can't... or don't
want to... remember," the Congressman said.
This is an excellent example of why Lite is very heroic for diving
into these memories. X>
"And with that in mind," I said, "we now present episode #60 of
_The Adventures of Easily-Discovered Man," "Breaking(fast) Bad..."
X3
"With a special shout-out," the former President added, " to our
sponsor: the United States Department of Gratuitous Evil. Don't bother
hitting 'like' or 'subscribe' -- they already know who and where
you are."
hahaha yeeeeeeeeah x-x
There were times when working as the sidekick to Easily-
Discovered Man could be... difficult. In the days before digital
cameras, for example, it was hard to take a clear picture without
the radiation that gave him his powers (and, to be perfectly honest,
_was_ his power) fogging up the film. And patrolling the city
with him on a summer night meant a huge crowd of moths following us
wherever we went.
X3 Gawd I love this shit
There were other times, however, when being a sidekick felt like
magic -- that while the other kids in my high school talked about
going out to do something to make the world a better place, I was
actually helping to save it on a regular basis.
I had a feeling this might be one of those times.
FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAH! :D
"We have until midnight to keep... I can't believe I'm
saying this... Hula Hoops Castro from unleashing his Red China
Johnny Ray on the Suez,
hehehehehe
"Perhaps," Easily-Discovered Man said. "But does it not seem
strange to you that the very moment we arrive in this world -- a
world completely absent of super-heroes or villains -- those
criminals would suddenly appear to issue a challenge?"
I thought about that. "It is kind of odd," I said. "Do you
think... that's why we're here? That we got pulled out of time to
save the world from a 1980s pop song?"
Ooooooh. Excellent point, and very thoughtful of EDM. :o
"The romantic in me wants to say yes," the Prof said. "But the
scientist in me demands that I rule out all other explanations first."
*Very* thoughtful, and I absolutely Get that balance of feelings.
It's just a weird coincidence."
"Unless," the Prof said, "we were dealing with someone with the
power to cause whatever he needed to appear... out, as you say, of
nowwhere."
"You think Deathstocker might be behind this?" I asked, lowering
my voice.
*Oh shit*. That's an excellent point. :o
If he wanted to
whack us, why not just do it while we're standing in his living
room? Or is this the family room? I always get those two mixed up."
Don't worry, nobody can afford houses with that many rooms anymore.
(...*every* house I lived in growing up had a living room, a family
room, and a dining room. Why did we want to be Suburban so badly...)
"You mean Substitute Lad?" I asked.
"He may look like the hero you know, but we have no idea when in
history Deathstocker's machine retrieved him," the Prof said. "He
may not yet have received the ability to duplicate the power of
other beings. Or he may command that power, but have no idea how to
control it. If so, he could potentially be very dangerous."
Hmmmmm. True, true... very thoughtful... I wonder...
"Yes," Easily-Discovered Man said. "Substitute Lad is not the
only being tampering with power beyond his ken. "Deathstocker and his
progeny seem to have the ability to draw technology forth from any point
in time. That does not mean they understand it.
This is how you get solar-powered robots and revolvers in medieval
Japan. (Both of which count as "swords".)
"Beware, my adolescent attendant," the Prof said, lowering his
voice to a whisper as Deathstocker's footsteps lumbered closer.
"You know more than you think you know... and not knowing what you
know may bestow our foe enow with knowing he does not yet know his
knowledge of is low."
"Whoa."
heeheeheeheehee
I prefer to keep a low profile."
"Even though your name is Easily-Discovered Man Lite?"
"It's just one of the many mysteries that makes me such an
effective crimefighter," I said.
heeheehee
"If you say so," Deathstocker said. "Feel free to requisition
any of the equipment down there that you think might enable you
to defeat Castro and his cronies. We can't let the Suez Canal
fall into the wrong hands. Again, I mean."
X3
Deathstocker's lab (did the guy have an actual name, or
did his friends and neighbors refer to him as 'Deathstocker?')
They refer to him as *Mister* Deathstocker.
Other items were beyond me. In the back, for example,
sat a gunmetal-gray vehicle that looked like it had been designed by
a child who saw one of the Cylons from _Battlestar Gallactica_, and
thought it would be interesting to put wheels on it.
...oh my god. XD
"What do you think?" asked Substitute Lad, or the person who would
eventually become Substitute Lad, who was wearing what certainly seemed
like a version of Substitute Lad's costume. Two things struck me
immediately: his outfit was way too tight, and Deathstocker's daughter
didn't seem to mind.
heeheehee
"Why would we want to go to the Suez?" Connie asked, her eyes still
focused on Substitute Lad.
"Because that's where the bad guys are."
"No," Connie said, "that's where they said they were going to make
trouble, with their whatever-you-call-it ray. So it seems like the place
we should go isn't the place the bad guys are going to destroy, but the
place where they'll be destroying it from."
Also a good point!
The young man's face clouded over. "I don't remember. Or rather,
I remember colors, sounds... but not where I was. Or even who I was."
Hmmmmm. :o
"Right," I muttered. "Because heading off to battle a group of
super-villains with a guy who has all kinds of super powers but no memory
seems like a safe bet."
I-Can't-Believe-He's-Still-Not Substitute Lad's eyes widened.
"What makes you think I have... super powers?"
I cringed, realizing I'd just done exactly what Easily-Discovered Man >> had warned me not to do. "Must be the costume," I said.
Dangit. X>
"Say... is that
_Dance Dance Revolution_?"
"That thing?" Connie sniffed, following my gaze to a colorful
platform with railings on three of its four sides, and what looked to
be several pieces of wet laundry hanging from the railings. "Dad says
it's called a transmatter pad. Used to teleport things from one place
to another."
Oooooo.
"In my defense, pretty much everything from my time looks like a
video game," I said.
It's true!
"But I know I've seen one. And I think I
remember where. You don't happen to have a VCR anywhere in all this
crap, do you? It's, uh, a device you can use to record television
broadcasts."
"Never heard of one," Connie said. "But we have TiVo."
hehehe
Sure-Looks-Like-Substitute Lad stood as if in a fog. "I think...
I think I do like to dance," he said. "I remember something about a
waltz..."
:o
"Or maybe it was a barn dance," the man in the costume mused, as
Connie rewound the day's programs.
innnnnteresting...
"Deathstocker said I would be 'the greatest hero of the 21st
century,' " Very-Nearly Substitute Lad said. "And you seem to know
something about me. You said something about me having powers."
Oh boy. X>;
"Lite," Connie said, looking me full in the face with an authority
that felt familiar. "We're the only thing standing between the world's
busiest shipping lane and a group of terrorists with a death ray. If
you know something that can help us stop them, this would be a really,
really good time to tell us the truth."
"Fine," I said. "She said the _second_ best penmanship..."
"LITE!"
"Okay," I said, having no idea just how truthful I was about to
become. "I'm probably going to regret this..."
Aaaaaaaa, I'm on pins and needles! :D <3 <3 <3
Is _Dance Dance Revolution_ actually a cover for a
top-secret teleportation experiment?
Absolutely.
Will the author actually
manage to produce another episode at some point in the next three
years?
I bet he can! :D
SPECIAL THANKS: To Arthur for his inspiration and not-so-gentle
nudging me to write during RACCCon 2024;
hehehehe n.n
to Perry and Graham for
letting me read these things aloud to them; and to Apocalypso for
patience and understanding.
Awwwwww! <3 <3 <3
Drew "aaaaaaa I love EDM so much" Nilium
On 4/6/25 2:10 AM, candycanearter07 wrote:
Drew Perron <pwerdna@gmail.com> wrote at 02:33 this Tuesday (GMT):
On Thu, Mar 20, 2025 at 3:44 PM Rob Rogers <robrogers72@gmail.com> wrote: >>>>
----------------------------------------------------------------------- >>>> Doused with microwave radiation, Theodore Wong gained the ability
to glow and be detected at great distances by anyone with a Geiger
counter. Forced to retire, Wong has left former sidekick Lite to
continue his battle against the forces of corruption, chaos and common >>>> sense, and carry on the legacy of the fabulous EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN.
WOO FUCK YEAH! Sorry for taking so long to jump on this, I have been
anticipating it SO HARD :D :D :D
oh how long?
The last issue came out a couple years ago!
the author would like to take a moment to acknowledge
another milestone: the 30th anniversary of this series, which began
publication in October of 1993 and does not appear, as of yet, to be
acknowledging any well-meaning hints that it should stop...
FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAH. :D MAY IT LONG REIGN.
cheers (even if i just got here)
:D Heck yeah
"You've been acting as sidekick to Easily-Discovered
Man Lite now for 30 years -- which is coincidentally the same amount
of time Ed McMahon served as second banana to _Tonight Show_ host
Johnny Carson.
Which ended the year the LNH formed!
did you kill them
...noooooooo? <.< >.>
"No. The age thing is part of my union contract."
:D Fuckin' *benefits*, y'all.
so if they quit do they age instantly or
I think you just start aging regularly again instead of using Comic Book Time.
"But they can't make you remember what you can't... or don't
want to... remember," the Congressman said.
This is an excellent example of why Lite is very heroic for diving
into these memories. X>
super ominous..
DUN DUN DUNNNN. :D
There were times when working as the sidekick to Easily-
Discovered Man could be... difficult. In the days before digital
cameras, for example, it was hard to take a clear picture without
the radiation that gave him his powers (and, to be perfectly honest,
_was_ his power) fogging up the film. And patrolling the city
with him on a summer night meant a huge crowd of moths following us
wherever we went.
X3 Gawd I love this shit
missed oppritunity for "mothman"
The prophecies... :o
(...*every* house I lived in growing up had a living room, a family
room, and a dining room. Why did we want to be Suburban so badly...)
we love the economy or something
Something like that. X>
"Beware, my adolescent attendant," the Prof said, lowering his
voice to a whisper as Deathstocker's footsteps lumbered closer.
"You know more than you think you know... and not knowing what you
know may bestow our foe enow with knowing he does not yet know his
knowledge of is low."
"Whoa."
heeheeheeheehee
you have such a way with words
Right???
Deathstocker's lab (did the guy have an actual name, or
did his friends and neighbors refer to him as 'Deathstocker?')
They refer to him as *Mister* Deathstocker.
did he kill people who didnt
Absolutely.
The young man's face clouded over. "I don't remember. Or rather, >>>> I remember colors, sounds... but not where I was. Or even who I was."
Hmmmmm. :o
memories from another person?
Perhaps...
Is _Dance Dance Revolution_ actually a cover for a
top-secret teleportation experiment?
Absolutely.
aw man, i liked ddr
You'll like it even more now that you can use it to visit Tibet!
to Perry and Graham for
letting me read these things aloud to them; and to Apocalypso for
patience and understanding.
Awwwwww! <3 <3 <3
Drew "aaaaaaa I love EDM so much" Nilium
the music genre?
Easily-Discovered Man. n.n
Drew "and the adventures thereof" Nilium
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