30 Years of Legion of Net.Heroes (1992-2022)!
And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.
Here's where you can find The Origin of Cannon Fodder (as well
as other MISC stories:
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Misc/
And we've got Dave Van Domelen writing the Origin of Cannon Fodder!
And I think this one is in the wrong spot on the LNH Timeline since
Cannon Fodder appeared in Cry.Sig. Anyway, this starts out in the
newsgroup alt.fan.bugtown (one would assume is a fan newsgroup for
Those Annoying Post Brothers) We've got some gent by the name of Odd
Fodder who desires revenge! But will he get his revenge?! And will
we find out if this Odd Fodder looks more like Marlon Brando or Al
Pacino?
Anyhow, on to...
_
| | Classic
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| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #257
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The Origin of Cannon Fodder
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From:
dvandom@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Dave Van Domelen)
Newsgroups: alt.comics.lnh,alt.fan.bugtown
Subject: The Origin of Cannon Fodder v2.0
Date: 4 Mar 1994 02:21:15 GMT
Note to the bugtowners, just scream loudly or fire in my direction if you see a glaring problem with some of the alt.versions of Bugtown types I use. Having only read a few issues of Post and Savage Henry (plus the newsgroup) I'm missing alot of details.
Dave Van Domelen, now if Mark'll just write another Crosspost Brothers story....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The New and Improved Origin of CANNON FODDER copyright 1994 Dave Van Domelen
published by Coherent Comics UnInc for the LNH in general
The Crosspost Brothers created by Mark Friedman from an idea of mine
Alt.fan.bugtown is certainly copyright somebody sometime -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alt.fan.bugtown is a PluReality fairly far removed from just about any other, and that's how the other PluRealities prefer it. Safer that way. It comprises an infinite cityscape of unknown (and perhaps unknowable) origin, parts of which are inhabited, some of which aren't, and some which shouldn't be but are because the rent is lower there. Despite its size, it gets little attention from the outside, who invariably prefer to spend their time in the less...wild PluRealities, such as the RAC* Hierarchy of PluRealities. Occasional bursts of activity make it known to the outside, but frankly also make outsiders more willing to forget them after the outburst is over.
Alt.fan.bugtown is not a pleasant place to visit, although it can be a pretty wild place to live. It counts among its residents Big Alt, who is reputed to be in control of the constantly shifting and regenerating place. Whether such control is even possible casts this claim into doubt. The place has a few interesting characteristics which lure others to live there, despite its obvious problems (more on the two of them later). First off, you can't die in Alt.fan.bugtown. Or rather, you can't stay dead. Damage is healed back fairly quickly, although not always with 100% accuracy, so it's important not to die too many times. Secondly, the place is a natural interdimensional nexus, not just of net.realities but of all PluRealities. This makes it a natural place to conduct business between the universes. One major such business hub is JPEG Bay. Big Alt spends alot of time in JPEG Bay.
Unfortunately, so do the Crosspost Brothers, Jeff and Jon. Trust me, the less said about them, the less nightmares you'll have. As natives of Alt.fan.bugtown, they have the native power of Crossposting, the ability to shift themselves across the net.realities at will. Their strong wills, vivid imaginations and utter sadism let them use this power to terrifying effect, and they are illegal in most realities...simply being them is a capital offense.
Now, by this point in the narrative, you're wondering what the scrad all this has to do with Cannon Fodder, an inhabitant of the LNH Looniverse and member of that team. Simple. He used to be Godd Fodder, a resident (but not native) of JPEG Bay....
* * * *
Close, he was so close...if the latest modifications to his equipment were enough, he would soon be able to take revenge on those Obnoxious Crosspost Brothers for what they did to his brother Bobb. Sure, he was a moderator, but that didn't mean he deserved to die!
Most people were kinda glad the Crosspost Brothers went on that rampage [see some issue or another of Those Obnoxious Crosspost Brothers, I don't feel like looking it up - Ed.] and killed all but one moderator residing in JPEG Bay. And most moderators kinda deserved it, Godd supposed. But his brother didn't...Bobb was just a simple tax.group moderator, not some evil corporate moderator or sleazy binaries group moderator. Jon's cry of "Tax this, moderator!" when he...he.... Godd couldn't bring himself to think of how Jon killed Bobb...besides, it was far too lengthy for a simple flashback.
But now Godd was nearing his revenge. He'd found a theoretical method for not only giving a non-native such as himself (an immigrant from sci.physics. plutonium) crossposting abilities, but also how to block those abilities in others. And with this device, the Crosspost Brothers would be on their way to /dev/null by way of alt.pain.hurt.hurt.hurt. One final adjustment....
Then everything exploded. A sad fact of life in Alt.fan.bugtown was that random flames from elsewhere in the infinite city sometimes found their way into JPEG Bay. Most of the time they were merely a nuisance, since everything they destroyed would regenerate exactly as it had been, within a few hundredths of a percent tolerance, anyway. But this time, with all sorts of bizarre scientific equipment actively probing the nature of Alt.fan.bugtown, it was different.
Godd Fodder awoke a few minutes later, to find that although the building he had been working in had regenerated, the equipment hadn't. Had Big Alt sent the flame on purpose to halt the research? Or had he been noticed by the goddess Nagasaki? In either case, it was pretty likely that Alt.fan.bugtown was not a good place to continue the research. He had in his head the important bits of data, he could work elsewhere.
A few hours later, Godd had booked passage to a nascent little alt.reality on the fringes of the RAC* multiverse, a place called Alt.comics.LNH. He felt it would have the technical resources to allow him to continue his pseudoscientific research in relative peace. He set up a new lab and began taking some readings, but found they indicated he was still in Alt.fan.bugtown. How could that be? Minutes later, he realized the answer: he had internalized the essence of the dimension during the explosion! He still couldn't crosspost, although tests showed he should be able to. But when a random act of violence struck him down on the way to lunch the next day, he woke up alive in his lab! He was immortal! He couldn't be killed premanently anywhere... and furthermore he instinctively crossposted himself out of harm's way once he'd been killed! Still, without weapons or conscious control of his crossposting ability, he still couldn't take his revenge. So he set to work again on his nullifier...only to find he'd lost that spark of scientific brilliance which had let him invent it in the first place. No! He'd lost resolution on that last death, lost a very important part of his mind!
Couldn't be helped, he realized. He'd have to find another way to destroy the Crosspost Brothers. Perhaps if he joined this new Legion of Net.Heroes he could get them to help him in his revenge? Still, he'd need a sort of silly hero codename to join, and a power he could display instead of immortality. Constructing several large energy weapons, he dubbed himself Cannon and strode confidently to the door of the LNHQ, to apply to the team as a weaponsmaster type hero.
Then, just as he rang the doorbell, a stray energy blast struck him, killing him instantly. He started to reform, but his Cannons had fallen from his grasp, and now they exploded, killing him again. Then a gout of flame from some invisible source fried him and he died again. Then he was struck in the face by some sort of boisenberry pie, choked on it and died. He could feel his mind withering under the effect of so many regenerations in such a short time, and realized too late he'd also taken on the essence of the random violence in Alt.fan.bugtown. He was a magnet for destructive energies, which he was doomed to regenerate from.
Finally someone answered the door. Godd stood shakily and tried to remember exactly who he was, and why he was here. "Um, I'm Cannon...er, Fodder? I think I'm here to...aaaaagh," he finished as he had a fatal allergic reaction to the cologne of the person answering the door.
Rebel Yell poked his head over the shoulder of the person at the door. "Um, I guess this Cannon Fodder wanted to join the LNH, eh Squid Boy? Well, if he revives, take him to the med.lab or something."
Squid Boy nodded and picked up the fallen form of this 'Cannon Fodder' person, taking him to be examined by Doctor Stomper.
* * * *
In time, the memory loss problem would stabilize, but not before Cannon Fodder had lost every last trace of his former memories. No one could find any records of his origin, but few really bothered, since he wasn't a WC anyway.
So who is it that tells this tale? Ah, that's another story altogether....
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Next Week: Will be on vacation... but in two weeks more Classic LNH Stories!
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Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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