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    From Arthur T.@21:1/5 to All on Sat Jan 18 17:52:37 2025
    If there's anyone left here, I'd like suggestions for a title.
    Similarly, even I have problems keeping scansion on the third line of
    the chorus, so let me know how it works for you.

    ttto: Chim Chim Cheree by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman

    Wake nor asleep, but seems that you're somewhere between
    You find you're aware of things half-way unseen
    While in this state you can't decide if they are real
    And you can't tell whether you feel what you feel
    So what does it hide; what does it reveal?

    The day has its pleasures and sleep its surcease
    But right in between is a time of great peace
    Your toil is ended, but still you're aware
    Your consciousness floating with nary a care

    Wake nor asleep, but seems that you're somewhere between
    You find you're aware of things half-way unseen
    While in this state you can't decide if they are real
    And you can't tell whether you feel what you feel
    So what does it hide; what does it reveal?

    Lying in bed and your eyes are half-closed
    And no one can say quite for sure if you dozed
    Your thoughts seem perfection but might be mistakes
    There's no need of doing, and you have no aches

    Sleep's a great mystery we all go through
    As great as the myst'ry of consciousness, too
    Is it the same self we felt when we woke
    As last night's delirious half-asleep bloke
    If it is, or it's not, it's the cosmos's joke

    Wake nor asleep, but seems that you're somewhere between
    You find you're aware of things half-way unseen
    While in this state you can't decide if they are real
    And you can't tell whether you feel what you feel
    So what does it hide; what does it reveal?


    My lyrics copyright 2025 by Arthur Tansky. License granted for
    non-commercial, non-political archiving and performance as long as:
    1. copyright notice is maintained, and
    2. no money changes hands.

    --
    Arthur T. - ar23hur "at" pobox "dot" com

    Guessing a lyricist's opinions from his songs is as futile as
    guessing an author's opinions from his novels.

    Last one out, turn off the lights.

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  • From Gary McGath@21:1/5 to Arthur T. on Sat Jan 18 21:10:39 2025
    On 1/18/25 5:52 PM, Arthur T. wrote:
    If there's anyone left here, I'd like suggestions for a title.
    Similarly, even I have problems keeping scansion on the third line of
    the chorus, so let me know how it works for you.

    ttto: Chim Chim Cheree by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman

    Wake nor asleep, but seems that you're somewhere between
    You find you're aware of things half-way unseen
    While in this state you can't decide if they are real
    And you can't tell whether you feel what you feel
    So what does it hide; what does it reveal?

    The scansion on the chorus seems fine to me. The words are a little
    tricky to sing, but a moderately good singer should be able to handle
    them with some practice, perhaps slowing the tempo down a hair from the original song.

    --
    Gary McGath http://www.mcgath.com

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  • From Paul Rubin@21:1/5 to Arthur T. on Sun Jan 19 00:38:45 2025
    Arthur T. <arthur@munged.invalid> writes:
    If there's anyone left here, I'd like suggestions for a title.
    Similarly, even I have problems keeping scansion on the third line of
    the chorus, so let me know how it works for you.

    I don't see obvious scansion errors but I can't tell which part is the
    chorus or quite how your lyrics fit. The original song is this, right?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kG6O4N3wxf8

    I kept wanting a bridge verse, something like:

    Your thoughts hypnagogic, have inside-out logic,
    You see how they land, but not whence they flew
    Your bathypelagic[1] is where you make magic,
    The depths of your mind is a cauldron a-brew.

    [1] bathypelagic zone = a very deep region of the ocean. Yes I found
    that in a rhyming dictionary. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bathypelagic_zone

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  • From Paul Rubin@21:1/5 to Paul Rubin on Sun Jan 19 00:43:11 2025
    Paul Rubin <no.email@nospam.invalid> writes:
    [1] bathypelagic zone = a very deep region of the ocean.

    Actually "hadopelagic" is the deepest part, maybe a better choice,
    though in the actual ocean very little goes on there.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hadal_zone

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