[continued from previous message]

for them wearing nothing but one of their shirts. I’d never be one of
those men whose apartments she breaks into, if anything she would
mistake me for a casino waiter. That’s a woman who needs a man and I am
but a man-child. There’s no way I could handle myself around her. I’d
ask her name and she’d say “Trench. Sylvia Trench. And you?” and I’d be so out of my element that I’d say something like “Matt. Matt. Matt
Fresh. Fresh Matt.” She’d assume I’m having a stroke and tell casino employees to call an ambulance.

12. Professor Inga Bergstrom

Professor Inga Bergstrom appears very briefly in Tomorrow Never Dies.
She’s in it so briefly that I couldn’t actually get a picture of her
from the movie. Frankly, I’m pushing it by classifying her as a Bond
Girl and including her on this list, let alone ranking her so highly.
Here’s the thing though, she is one of the hottest women I’ve ever seen
in my life, and on top of that she’s a Professor at Oxford University
which means she’s also highly intelligent. I don’t deserve to exist on
the same planet as this woman and were I to have the opportunity to
potentially charm her I doubt I’d do anything other than weep over how unworthy I am to be in her presence.

11. Xenia Onatopp

Make no mistake, I would fumble Xenia as hard as any man could fumble a beautiful, strong, woman. I already have negative rizz, I can’t imagine
what gibberish would come out of my mouth should I attempt to converse
with her. I would likely not leave an encounter with her alive. The only
reason she isn’t in the top ten is because she gets off on killing men
during sex so there’s a chance she’d sleep with me just to kill me and that’s a risk I’m willing to take. At least I’d be able to die knowing
at least one woman finished first.

10. Honey Ryder

Honey Ryder rising out of the ocean in her bikini is one of the most
iconic moments in the Bond series and cinema itself. Do you know how hot
you have to be for you just walking out of the ocean in a swimsuit to be considered iconic? Even Bond’s jaw is on the floor when he first sees
her. If I was on the same beach as Honey Ryder and I approached her in
my swimwear I would be escorted away by police. If we were both fully
clothed in a Walmart parking lot and my car was next to her I would be
escorted away by police. She goes along with Bond because just because
Dr. No wrecked her boat. If she’s willing to help a secret agent take
down a dangerous terrorist mastermind lord knows what she’d do to me if
I made the mistake of using my patented charm to say “Honey Ryder, I
hardly know her”.

9. Domino Derval
I could spend a paragraph talking about how Domino is a sexy,
intelligent, courageous woman. I could spend some run-on sentences
talking about how she has all the qualities of a top Bond Girl, how she
kills villain Emilio Largo by shooting him with a harpoon gun, and
making a joke about how she would do the same to me. I could even add
some colorful commentary on some nonsense made-up reasons that I may
have an ever so slight chance at not fumbling. But let’s be real, look
at the woman in that picture and then look back at the little picture of
me in the header image. Nuff said.

8. Elektra King
Aside from her beauty, Elektra is the daughter of an oil tycoon which
means she’s loaded furthering the gap that poor, lowly, online comedy
writer me would have to cross in the hopes of winning her affection.
She’s also a strong-willed and uber-determined woman, so determined is
she to get what she wants that she’s willing to shack up with a
terrorist who kidnapped her. So my lackadaisical aim low and avoid disappointment attitude would only give her even more of the ick were I
to approach. My one saving grace here is that if she’s willing to be
with the weird-looking anarchist who kidnapped her then maybe she’s also willing to be with a funny-looking slacker who writes silly lists for
the internet. Or maybe the aforementioned kidnapper would kill me for approaching his woman?

7. Dr. Madeleine Swann

I would slit my wrists for a chance to talk to this woman.

6. Dr. Christmas Jones
Here’s the thing, an average-looking nuclear physicist is out of my
league. An ugly nuclear physicist is out of my league. Dr. Christmas
Jones isn’t just out of my league, she’s in a completely different stratosphere. She has the brains of Marie Curie and the looks of Lara
Croft, how does one even approach a woman like that without becoming a blubbering mess? She’s so hot that if I was walking down the street and
she was walking towards me I would cross to the other side out of
respect. If I could muster a meek “Hi” to her, I would consider that a
win because no meeting between the two of us would ever get farther than
that. If someone introduced us and she said “ew” I would respectfully agree. Were I to ever attempt to seduce Dr. Christmas Jones I would turn
into one of the devolved mute humans from Planet of the Apes once I got
within 50 feet of her.

5. Jinx

First emerging out of the water just like Honey Ryder did 20 years
earlier, Jinx is named such because she was born on Friday the 13th and
is a bastion of bad luck. That’s where I come in. Jinx is one of the
hottest women to ever walk the face of the earth. She’s so hot that we forgave her for Catwoman. I have a better chance at becoming the
first-ever Canadian President of the United States than I do of ever
getting with this woman. I would have a heart attack and die just seeing
her in person. But as I said she’s called Jinx for a reason and her bad
luck means she’s going to be approached by me, I’m going to say a few
awful pickup lines and she is going to knee me in the groin. But maybe,
just maybe her curse of bad luck will translate into me getting farther
with her than I would with the few Bond Girls above her. That is to say,
maybe I’ll get a phone number that when I call for a date is actually
just a Wendy’s.


4. Pussy Galore

Pussy Galore is famous for being one of the few women who Bond really
had to work for. She was immune to charms for a large portion of the
movie. Any woman who James Bond has trouble seducing essentially leaves
me with a less than zero percent chance of seducing. I have neither the charisma nor handsomeness of James Bond let alone the drive to continue pursuing a woman who is so strong-willed against seduction. When I get
even politely rejected I wallow in self-pity and despair for at least
two weeks, staying locked in my room with the blinds closed and lights
off while silently playing FFXIV which if you didn’t know has a free
trial that includes the first two critically acclaimed expansions and
lets you play up to level 70 with no restrictions on playtime. The point
is there’s no way I’d be able to handle a woman like Pussy Galore. She’d probably just kill me on sight, to be honest. Even if I lived long
enough to talk to her I’d end up making a joke about her name and be
promptly killed. So either way I’m not leaving this interaction alive
and I probably had it coming.

3. Wai Lin
Wai Lin is played by Michelle Yeoh. I am not leaving this encounter
without getting beaten to a pulp. Even if I had the charm and charisma
to strike up a conversation with her, she would inevitably end up
beating me up and it wouldn’t be because I requested it. I’m not even
sure I’d be able to get within 5 feet of her before she just beat me up
out of instinct. This is a woman who is on par with James Bond in terms
of skills as an action hero, probably a few steps above him in
hand-to-hand combat. I don’t stand a chance.

2. Paloma
If I was in the same room as this woman I would explode into a puddle of
creamy goo.

1. Vesper Lynd
Vesper Lynd is the best Bond Girl of all time. She is the perfect
combination of all the best aspects of a Bond Girl. She’s smart,
independent, beautiful beyond belief, and morally dubious. Vesper Lynd
is such a catch that James Bond spent the next four movies not being
able to get over her. Even after she betrayed him. I would barely be
able to utter a single word to this woman and whatever that word is, it
would not impress her all, it probably wouldn’t be a word from any real language. I would say hello to her incorrectly and blow it all. I might
not even get that far. I’d probably fumble on my walk over to her. I’d
see her from across the room and just go home because someone like me
does not deserve to be in the same room as someone like her. If she
approached me intent on getting my number I would still fumble. If I was
James Bond I would still fumble. If she was brainwashed into being with
me and tried to force me to sleep with her I would decline out of
respect because even I know I’m not worthy and don’t deserve it. There’s not a single multiverse where I wouldn’t fumble Vesper Lynd.

Hello adventurer!

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